A Polack goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.

The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?" 

"Read it?" the Polack replies, "I know the guy." 




Knock, Knock?

Who's there?

Polish burglar.




Visual Pope Joke:

John Paul brought about a new form of genuflection.

(imitate the swing of a bowler).




Why didn't Pope John Paul allow any dogs in the Vatican?

Because they pee on poles.




A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "Hey, want to hear a good Polack joke?"


The bartender says, "Tell you what.... I'm Polish. See those two big guys playing pool? They're Polish. See those other two guys sitting at the end of the bar? They're Polish. You still want to tell your "Polack" joke?"


The man replies, "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times."




Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the

international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"




Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?

A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.




Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A: A new last name.




In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?" In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?" In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?" In Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"





Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?

A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.





Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?

A. 'cause his dick was stuck in the chicken.





Did you hear about the Polack who went to the doctor and asked him for advice on how to improve his sex life?


The doctor told him to jog ten miles a day, for seven days. Then call him.


A week later, the Polack telephoned.


"Well," asked the doctor, "has jogging improved your sex life?"


"I don't know," said the Polack. "I'm seventy miles from home."





A woman went to see a doctor. "Doctor, I'm in terrible pain."


"Show me where," the doctor said.


The woman put her fingers on her arm, "ohhh, right there."


Then she put her finger on her chest, "Argggh, right there."


Then she put her finger on her stomach, "Owww, right there."


The doctor looked at her, "You're not by any chance Polish, are you?"


"Why, yes," she replied. "Why?"


"You've got a broken finger."





A new bishop is appointed and is scheduled to meet with the pope. It turns out that they both love jokes and spend hours together laughing. The bishop is so happy about this and he wants to tell the pope one final joke, so he begins: "Two polaks walk into a bar..."  The pope stops him and says, "I just want you to know before you go any further that I'm polish." The bishop is anguished by this and apologizes profusely. He says, "I'm so sorry for everything. I take it all back. please let me start again. Tttthhhheeeeerrrrrrre'ssssss tttttthhhheeeeeeesssssse ttttttttwwwwwwoooooooo ppoooooooollllllaaaaaaaaaakksssssss tttthhhhhaaaaaaatttt wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaalllllllk iiiinnnnnttttooooooo aaaaaaaa bbbbbbbaaaaaaarrrrrrr ......





Why did god make urine yellow and semen white?

So Poles could tell if they were coming or going...





Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.





Why does the new Polish navy have glass bottom boats? to see to the old Polish navy.





Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?  A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.





Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.





Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"  The German responds, "I will take oil!"  So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"





This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"





A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box

that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,

but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "My neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."





A traveling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not

quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke...

"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?" "But I _am_ Polish, my son."  There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...

"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."





Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer?

A: There's whiteout on the screen.





Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.





A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown

paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."





Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.





Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."





Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?

A: Because they can't spell toboggan.                     





There are three construction workers on top of a building

having lunch.  One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The

Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tomorrow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tomorrow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their

lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak them throws his sandwich off the building. The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking. He responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."




POLISH MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN


artery                  the study of fine painting

barium                 what you do when the patient dies

benign                 what you are after you are eight

cesarean section        a district in Rome

colic                   a sheep dog

congenital              friendly

dilate                  to live long

fester                  quicker

G.I. series             baseball game between soldiers

hangnail                coat hook

medical staff           a doctors cane

minor operation         coal digger

morbid                  a higher offer

nitrate                 lower than the day rate

node                    was aware of

organic                 church musician

out-patient             a person who has fainted

post-operative          a letter carrier

protein                 in favor of young people

secretion               hiding anything

serology                study of English knighthood

tablet                  a small table

tumor                   an extra pair

urine                   opposite of your out

varicose veins          veins very close together




Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?

A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.





Q: Why aren't there any suicides in Poland?

A: You can't kill yourself jumping out of a basement window.





Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak are having trouble finding a room for the night.


After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left. The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn.


They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night.

But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Indian.


"I cannot sleep in the barn," says the Indian, "I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep under the same roof as one."


The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn.


But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Jew.


"I can't sleep in the barn either," says the Jew, "there's a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched, I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn't be kosher."

So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn.


But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the cow and the pig.

 




Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?

A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.





A ship sank in the Pacific Ocean. The only survivors on a lone life raft were the captain, a German, a Frenchman, and a Polack.


"Men, there is only room for two of you," announced the captain. "I'm not going to play favorites. You are all equal. To decide who must leave the life raft I will ask each a question. The man who can't answer the question will have to drown."


"Now," said the captain to the German. "What was the greatest sea disaster?"


"The Titanic," answered the German.


"Correct! You can stay! Then to the Frenchman: "Approximately how many people were lost?"


"3,286," replied the Frenchman.


"Close enough! You too can stay!"


Now to the Polack: "Name them!"

Collection of Polish Jokes: